Get Off My Lawn
Note: I’m
still not 100% on board with the story I have right now, so its most likely
subject to change later on.
Act 1
The story starts out with a shot of Grandpa
Ivan's house in the middle of a swamp surrounded by a moat. It is decorated with animal pelts and stuffed animal mounts to scare off other animals from going near his home. Ivan is sitting on his front porch while cleaning his rifle on his lap and his pet alligator, Margie, is snoozing at his side. Margie suddenly wakes up from a noise and growls. The
camera pans to a raccoon stealing some blueberries from a blueberry bush growing
on the front lawn. Ivan shoots at the raccoon, startling it but not killing it.
The raccoon then runs away. Ivan then goes
back to sleep on his rocking chair.
Act 2
Afterwards, a swamp deer is woken up from the raccoon jumping on his head as he tries to flee from the house. The deer is sleeping on a small patch of vegetation that has been affected by the deforestation of Ivan's work. Annoyed with Ivan antics, the deer decides to confront him himself so that Ivan might leave the swamp. Unafraid of the house’s intimidating appearance, he goes up to the moat and swims over to his house from behind so that he is out of Ivan’s sight. Ivan, now sleeping on his rocking chair, is awoken by an angry deer standing in front of him. The deer quickly takes his gun from him and starts to boat away. Surprised and angry, Ivan orders his pet alligator to chase him. However, the deer outsmarts the gator by leading her as close to the shore as possible, and when Margie starts chomping the boat away, the deer jumps on her head and hops off onto the ground.
Act 2
Afterwards, a swamp deer is woken up from the raccoon jumping on his head as he tries to flee from the house. The deer is sleeping on a small patch of vegetation that has been affected by the deforestation of Ivan's work. Annoyed with Ivan antics, the deer decides to confront him himself so that Ivan might leave the swamp. Unafraid of the house’s intimidating appearance, he goes up to the moat and swims over to his house from behind so that he is out of Ivan’s sight. Ivan, now sleeping on his rocking chair, is awoken by an angry deer standing in front of him. The deer quickly takes his gun from him and starts to boat away. Surprised and angry, Ivan orders his pet alligator to chase him. However, the deer outsmarts the gator by leading her as close to the shore as possible, and when Margie starts chomping the boat away, the deer jumps on her head and hops off onto the ground.
Act 3
Extremely angered, Ivan grabs a bazooka from his home and shoots at the deer from afar, but the deer quickly ducks from his attack. Ivan runs to edge of the lawn to get a better shot at the deer but he trips from the massive size of the bazooka and softness of the ground into the swamp water. Both him and the bazooka fall in and since Ivan can't swim, he struggles to keep himself above water. The deer sees him drowning and reluctantly comes to his rescue. As he pulls him out of the water and brings him back to his front lawn, the deer looks down at Ivan with Ivan's gun at his hand. Ivan begs for his gun back but the deer refuses. Ivan then gets up and tips his hat to him to show respect. The deer smiles by his gesture and shakes his hand, but then tosses his gun into the water. The deer then quickly boats away from the angry old hermit who is throwing a fit back on his front lawn.
It's a very nice concept of how to deal with your character and the premise you had set up in the beginning, though I feel like it got darker in tone than the way I thought you were going to take it. Not that dark is a bad thing, except I thought it'd be more "slapstick" humor. X-)
ReplyDeleteI understand that you had to set up a scenario where your character gets angry enough to shoot at the children invading his lawn, however I felt the children were a little too sadistic in a way. If that's the direction you want to go, that's fine, but the idea of kids throwing bricks made me had to reread your sentence twice.
Anyway, I like what you're trying to do. The way the kids were using the barbed wire as a prop for what they believed to be an obstacle course I found quite humorous. I'm intrigued how that will look. If I had to give a suggestion, maybe instead of the kids throwing bricks at his window, why not have your character actually chase after the kids in the obstacle course? Like a way to shoo them out? It'd be an easier way too to display one of the children falling and getting caught in the barbed wire which triggers your character to have the flashback.
At any-rate, kudos! Can't wait to see where you take this story! =]
Yeah I felt like my other story was a bit too sadistic and dark, so I wrote this new one. It sorta has the same premise but not as dark and is more slapstick-y as I originally wanted haha. Feel free to reread it and let me know what you think :)
DeleteWhat is the story problem? No story conflict is presented in the first act. Who's story is it? The deer or Ivan – the active character is the deer. Sleeping characters are kind of boring. Give your character a problem to solve! You allude to deforestation at one point, but there is no deforestation occurring. Begging suggests dialogue – remember, no dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI just revised my story in a new post. I tried to make it more simple and focus more on my main character. Hopefully the problem is more clear now.
Delete